I am doomed..

I can't log in to my skype account.
I don't want to see his name..


I have been warned! I have been told not to fall... Not to fall for someone who wouldn't want to catch you at all.. But I believed.. I hoped.. And for everything that happened.. I thought he would actually learn.. Learn to care for me..


I just want to write this now.. Maybe for a couple of years.. I would just laugh at this post and figure out how childish I was before.. How torned I was before.. :(


God knows, I had prayed and asked, If only I could forget him. Right from the very beginning.. I knew all my dreams about him and I together won't come true... I knew it! I'm not pretty to begin with. I'm loud and noisy.. Opposite to what he wants.. Opposite to what he cares about! But I was surprised, the day after that prayer, he finally asked my name..

I thought it was a sign.. A sign, maybe there's a 'chance'.. For the two of us.. But.. It has been 10 months.. And we're always casual.. Nothing more, nothing less...


I thought we'd just be friends.. When I see him with another girl.. I'd be happy..


When my feelings we're about to be known.. I planned a decoy.. I had believed everybody that the person that i want was his friend and not him. Everyone bite it. Even him, he teased me every now and then.. Knowing him, he'd actually do that to everyone.. He wasn't even jealous of anything.. :(


One day, I learned... He likes my bestfriend.. Rather he loves my bestfriend! :((


I don't hate my best friend.. She is attractive, really and she got all the qualities a guy would find..
I just hate the feeling of being unwanted.. Of being disregarded.. And the hell
Why I know all of this? It's because His friend want me to be the wingman.. And poof! I'm playing the martyr here!!! I am doomed....


It hurts.. There are times.. I don't have appetite.. I can't laugh the way I used to.. I can't even tell my bestfriend all of my sufferings.. I've got no one to talk to.. I am doomed...



It hurts.. It hurts not to be loved in return.. It hurts.. It hurts to be not reciprocated.. It hurts when my other friend how much he likes her.. Actually it's love.. He's just waiting.. Waiting for her to graduate.. I am doomed..


I am jealous of course.. But i should be not.. I do not have the right.. I never owned him.. I hate him for not noticing my feelings or rather acknowledging what I feel.. But it wasn't his fault! It's mine, I fell on the trap...I am doomed..


I still have a week.. A week until I see him.. I can't show this attitude.. I can't! I want to move on and be happy about his decisions.. I should let go even if in the first place, i wasn't holding unto anything...


It'll hurt... Yes.. Just like now..
It'll hurt but it should not ruin me...
I should be strong! And yes I can do it...
No one's helping me.. Except myself...
No one's gonna care.. Except myself...


I am doomed.. But I can live again...
I won't cry over my broken heart..
It won't change anything..

I am doomed.. But I can love them again.. To a different extent of course
Maybe I'll be doomed but... It's what you give that matters...
One's lucky if they can have something in return.